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Big Deal Lentil Loaf

This lentil loaf is actually a big deal, but if you don’t say it with a sarcastic tone it will think you are too serious and lose a tonne of respect for you.

alright, you will need the following:

2 cans of green lentils (you can use the dry kind and boil it yourself, but why?)

a carrot

a celery

a leek

an onion

7 medium sized mushrooms

2 or 3 eggs

ghee (olive oil will do, but vegetable oil is out of the question)

3 slices of bread (I like to use flax seed bread in honour of a baby reindeer, whom I once fed)

a toaster

a loaf pan

an oven (surprise!)

The Greatest American Hero on DVD (unless Friday Night Smackdown is on)

“This is how we do it” – Montell Jordan

just to show you how much of an idiot i am, i recorded this to tell you what to do with the celery, leek, carrot, onion and mushrooms. please listen closely.

http://www.swift.fm/markandrada/song/16660

if that player doesn’t work, click here

pre-heat your oven to 350

warm a pan to medium heat and add a tablespoon or so of ghee (or olive oil, whatever).

add your produce to your pan (not the mushrooms yet) and make them sweat. once sweaty, add those musrooms. stir. sweat. stir. hangout. stir. hangout. turn off the heat. hopefully the carrots are soft.

gently remove your bread from the bag, place them in your toaster, and do what feels right. (toast them)

open your cans of lentils and wash them. once washed, add your toast (rip it up and drop it in), sweaty veggies, and two eggs. Stir. I like to use my hands for this, but you don’t have to. A wooden spoon is ok.

Now look at what you’ve done. is it too dry? add an egg, or some veg stock, or water. Is it too wet? No such thing, baby! (add another toast slice, grow up). Once all seems well, scoop out your mixture into a loaf pan. Pat it down.

Throw it in the oven, and pop in disk 1 of the Greatest American Hero. If you haven’t seen the first episode, then i guess we’re starting there. I’m just going to go ahead and assume you haven’t seen it.  Watch the first 30 – 45 minutes. (NOTE the first episode of the greatest american hero is a TWO HOUR PILOT. Some would have you believe that the first episode was “the hit car” episode. they are wrong.) At this point, you have a choice, would you like your lentil loaf to have a ketchup glaze? or would you like it plain? if you choose plain, then just let it bake for another 15 – 30 minutes. if you choose glaze, then here:

combine about 1/3 cup of ketchup with 3 or 4 tbs of honey. I also like to add smushed up roasted garlic and some hot sauce to this mix. lemon juice is good too. spoon the glaze over the loaf and put it back in the oven. and bake for another 15 – 30 minutes.

There. you should be pretty much done. let your loaf rest for a bit, then pop it out of the pan and eat it while enjoying a very underrated buddy cop show.

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I originally found this recipe online. I thought it was crazy cute. What I didn’t know was that it was from Ontario, and was planning on coming home for the Christmas. I’ll admit that it was quick (some might even say easy) to make, but… well… who really cares. It was good.

What you need:

a microwave

a plate

Viva puff cookies.

How you do it:

Microwave those cookies for about 18 sec (depending on the strength of your microwave… keep an eye on them… do it until just barely melted). Then eat.

edit: actually, come to think of it, this recipe found me. hm.

Hummus

The nice thing about hummus is how good it is for you. So much protien. Chick peas are a lovely source of  iron, calcium, and fiber. And no matter what, it will never cheat on you and give you hpv.

What you need:

For sure you’re gonna need a hand held blender. If you don’t have one of those… I don’t know what to say to you.

2 cans of chick peas (i try to find ones without EDTA, mostly because I don’t know what that is, and I have a strong fear of the unknown) I’ve done this with dried chick peas before, but I always just eyeball it. 4-5 cups when cooked, maybe? sounds about right.

3/4 cup of tahini

1/2 cup lemon juice (lime doesn’t work out, trust)

1 tsp cumin

4/8 tsp cayenne

1 large onion

1 thing of garlic

Olive Oil

Soy Sauce

Salt & Pepper

Sun dried tomatoes if you want them

How you do it:

I’ll level with you, I’m watching “Some Like It Hot” while I write this, so if i come off as distracted, that’s why.

Pre-heat your oven at around 400 C. Chop The Top off your thing of garlic and place it on a pan coat the garlic in Olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. ROAST THAT GARLIC! (20 mins or so…. check up on it)

Pour a tbs or so of Olive Oil in a pan (do not turn the heat on yet!). Add the cumin and cayenne and some pepper (you’re gonna notice that i do this all the time, I’m a huge believer in seasoning your oil. Huge) Now feel free to turn it on…medium-high. Once the spices start to sizzle a bit, add that onion. If you didn’t dice the onion before you put it in, imagine how you look right now. if you’re doing the sundried tomato thing, do it now too. Sliced. Keep this up until the onions are caramelized.

Rinse and drain the chick peas.

At this point, I like to dump the chick peas into a tall cylindrical tupperware container. If you don’t have one, figure something else out. Mixing bowl? I dunno.

Combine chick peas, onions, lemon juice, tahini, soy sauce, and a touch of olive oil (like, a tsp or so). peel your roasted garlic and dump that in too. Also fun to do with the roasted garlic? Squish it out.

HAND HELD BLENDER. keep at it until it’s Hummus.

you win.